It's a girl!

i'd like to make some changes/before you arrive/
so when your new eyes meet mine/they won't see no lies/
just love just love

Today, my beautiful sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl. Little Girl Wilker was born this morning at a healthy 19 inches and nearly 8 lbs.

To my very first niece:

I'm so glad you finally showed up. I look forward to meeting you the next time I'm in Minneapolis and getting to know you over the course of the years. Since you're new at this, let me offer a few pieces of advice.

When you go to Pappy's house, sit with hands folded and listen politely when he talks about golf. Do not touch the remote. Do not touch anything for that matter. Pappy likes babies but he's not crazy about kids so if you want to bask in the warm glow of Steve's attention you better play your cards right or he will give you a shoulder so cold you'll catch pneumonia.

When Grandma is wearing an outfit that makes you want to cry, cry. Really let her have it. When your mom flips out, just get out of the way. It'll all clear up in a few minutes and most likely the problem has something to do with another driver, not with you. Do NOT try to give your father a taste of your ice cream. He. Will. Crap. His. Pants. I find explosive diarrhea hilarious, but I don't know how you feel about it.

Your uncle Patrick has a lot of weird tattoos and yes, sometimes he smells funny. But he's a sucker for girls with brown eyes and nice hair, so be sure to really work that cute baby angle if you want him to buy you a Frosty or a twist cone at McDonald's. Uncle Austin has issues with personal space, both physical and emotional. Be sure to give him lots of hugs and wet kisses and tell him you lovelovelove him all the time.

That just leaves me. One thing I don't like is when babies go limp when you try to pick them up. I'm impressed at the survival skill but honestly I don't like the feeling of ohcrapijustdroppedababy because you're feeling crabby and decided to do the baby slide. Also, I'm not really big into the really extremely high-pitched screaming, so keep that at a minimum and we'll be golden. But you know what I love? I love the smell of clean babies (not shitty diapers) and I love fat baby bellies, so don't go all Nicole Ritchie on us. I also like cute little baby noses, so keep yours as long as possible before the M*Inerny beak eats your face. Yes, I'm assuming you'll get a M*Inerny nose because that gene can strong-arm any other nose gene. Just look around you, girl.

Meghan tells me that you are beautiful and soft and have fuzzy brown hair. I was born blue with a mouthful of my own crap. Long story, ask Grandma. That's it, Shrimpy. There's no turning back now. Welcome to Crazyville.

Love,
Auntie Nora