Choosing Sides (Revised and Updated)

There is a LOT of drama going on in Hollywood, and I thought it would only be approriate for me to weigh in. After all, keeping score is not just reserved for my family (and don't think I didn't notice that I didn't get my own birthday post, Ma).

Paris vs. Nicole: Okay, so Nicole needs a sandwich in the worst way. But she doesn't have a man-eating vag and she seems to have half a brain (hey, she had a ghostwriter pen her a novel, didn't she?). So if I lived in LA and shopped at Kitson, I'd totally have a Team Nicole t-shirt.

Paris vs. Lindsay: Mean Girls vs. House of Wax. Awesome red hair vs. fake bleached out, crusty extensions. Yeah, it's totally Lindsay all the way.

Nick vs. Jessica: Okay, so he's kind of a cheeseball. But Jessica totally has a creepy relationship with her dad and has the WORST voice in the world. It's like a deaf dog imitating Whitney Houston. Other than that, I have three words for you: Dukes of Hazzard. I'm on Team Lachey.

Christina vs. Mariah: A tough one for sure. 8 years ago, when Mariah was back with "Honey" and Christina was coming out with "Genie In A Bottle," I would have been sooo Team Mariah. But let's be honest with ourselves and with each other: Mariah Carey is a huge sack of nuts. Sure, she came back again with a new CD all about how she can't keep a boyfriend, but BO-RING. Christina hasn't had a new CD since stripped, but I know her little Marilyn Monroe copying ass is gonna come out with something big. So, Team Christina it is.

Britney vs The Papparazzi: Okay, you know what? I'll say it. People need to back up off her. The only reason she's neglecting her baby and nearly dropping it is because the moment she steps outside she's got a hundred people with cameras all up in her space. Yes, she needs to take out the extensions, throw away half her wardrobe, leave her husband, and get a life coach. But somewhere in there is the same booty-shaking, pigtail-wearing hottie that taught us all that you don't need a whole lot of talent to be a huge, ridiculous success. And I will always, always love her for that.

Denise vs Charlie: : Okay, so Charlie called her a dickhead and had sex with hundred prostitutes while looking at underage porno sites and threatening to murder Denise and her parents. But she is the woman who was dumb enough to marry him even after Heidi Fleiss outed the fact that he spent tens of thousands of dollars on skirts. Still, I'm on Team Denise because she has amazing hair.

Denise vs. Heather: Okay, there's a lot of good hair going on in this rivalry, but let's recap: Heather was allegedly banging David Spade before she divorced Richie Sambora, so Denise allegedly swooped in and decided to create a cuckold love triangle? I don't care what the hell Heather did or did not do, Denise broke the Cardinal rule of being a woman: Thou shalt not be photographed straddling your friend's ex-husband on a Malibu balcony. For shame, Denise.

Tom Cruise vs Everybody: Much of Tom's troubles lately resemble religious persecution. After all, Scientology, like any other religion, respected or not, is essentially just a set of tools for improving your life. Scientology, however, is also a great way for some people to get stinking rich and is coincidentally extremely annoying when you're trying to walk through the subway station and are accosted by glossy-eyed freaks asking you if you need a stress test. And while their stress-o-meters look extremely official, nobody in New York needs a test to tell them that they're stressed. So, I'm siding with everybody on this one, and not just because South Park formed their funniest episode yet around Mister Cruise and R Kelly.