It's All Over.
It’s a tad dramatic, I know, but I can’t help but feeling that the release of Paris Hilton’s “album” really does signal the end of the world, that as soon as anybody purchases that CD for $9.98 at their local target and puts it in their CD player, the world is going to explode and God is going to be like, “I told you so.”
A few days ago, boyfriend asked why Paris Hilton bothers me so much. Why when I hear her name I am apt to scream “UGH! SHE IS SUCH A FUCKING WHORETASTIC BITCHFACE MORONIC IDIOT!” Why that would bother me, why that would affect me in the least.
In a way, he’s right. If life were an Ayn Rand novel then nothing that another person does should bother me in the least. I should live my life concerned with myself and let other people take care of their own lives. The thing is, I don’t think the majority of people are really all that qualified to make their own decisions, and seeing the league of teenage girls who closely resemble junior hookers walking through my neighborhood has me so depressed about the future of our nation that I can’t help but scream obscenities at the sight of her mangy extensions and wonky eye.
Paris brags that she’s a brand and a “businesswoman.” I’m sure that the home porn video business is surely booming, but a businesswoman? Really? And a brand? If Paris is a brand, her logo must be an elaborate crest of a pair of panties sitting on top of a pile of used condoms and some dirty coke-covered cash, against a background of pink glitter with “I’M A TOTAL MORON” written in pig latin across the top.
I will admit that there was a time when I too was charmed by her cluelessness. But the luster of idiocy wears thin, and watching the legion of short-skirt wearing, midriff-baring girls who think that success is getting attention from guys by slathering yourself in Victoria’s Secret body spray and speaking in a baby voice is too much to stomach.
Is it just me, or were the early 90s much more innocuous? My first brush with PG-13 film was Clueless, where every single sex joke went soaring over my head but I learned to covet knee-high socks and cropped jackets. Sexy to me was a funny word in a terrible Rod Stewart song. Make-up was Lipsmackers lip gloss. High fashion (before the post-Clueless trip to Nordstrom where my dad bought me the cropped jacket and knee socks) was a Champion sweatshirt, some tapered, high-waisted jeans and a pair of pumas. Was I really all that sheltered? Sure, I lived in a leafy neighborhood in a Midwestern city. I went to Catholic School and wore uniforms from 2nd grade through high school. And God FORBID I ask to “hang out” anywhere, my father likening that activity to smoking crack, turning tricks or lighting animals on fire.
What’s the difference between then and now? I’ll give you a hint: it’s gangly, orange-tanned, and drenched in vodka.
Clearly, I’m no prude. I have no inherent problem with the fact that Paris has limited moral standards, I only take issue with the fact that she has made a living out of convincing people that this sort of life is something to be worshipped and to aspire to.
Every once in awhile I catch an episode of The Simple Life, and I’m reminded of why I’m on Team Nicole. It’s really because even though Nicole is a total anorexic head case with Daddy issues, her sense of humor is as prominent as her clavicle. While applying eye shadow to a 5-year-old whose older brother asked if maybe the girl was too young for make-up Nicole deadpanned and said, “Of course not. Haven’t you heard of JonBenet Ramsey?”
For Christ’s sake, girls. If you’re going to idolize an entitled , bleach-haired heiress, idolize the one who can make a good joke.
They're both worthless sluts. Defend neither.
She's a phone hacker too (not that Lohan doesn't deserve to have her phone hacked).
But Nora, give the girl credit for coining the phrase "that's hot." Because really, no one ever said that until Paris did. I saw her on Letterman once claiming she invented that phrase. I think I'm going to coin a phrase too. I'm thinking "that's cool" might be one no one has heard of before.
They are both worthless whores. There's no such thing as "the funny one."
I'm with you---Paris Hilton's greatest achievement was being born. The friggin hag. And Nicole Richie is hilarious. Skinny and hilarious. I bet she and Paris came to blows because she asked for more money because, compared to Paris, she actually has talent. That prolly pissed Paris off. That and the fact that Nicole is skinnier. That's a huge threat too.
Since someone has yet to say it I'm just going to put it out there: That's Hot.
I hate her. Hate, hate, hate, hate. And everyone who aspires to be her. To hell with them all.