August 2007 Archives
it doesn't mean that anything is wrong. it just means that my brain is filled with stuff like this.
Like most civilized humans, I have a gmail address. Not to brag, but I had it way back when it was kind of a challenge to get an invite. And by "kind of a challenge" I mean, Dave Gilmore hooked me up, as per usual.
Now, like some civilized human, I have a Google homepage, which is basically just another way of saying that as soon as I get on the Internet, I have a bunch of dumb shit waiting for me. But, wait for it, it's dumb shit that I personally selected. Stuff like my horoscope, the weather in the 11215, the date and time (in case all clocks and calendars are broken and/or missing) and, my personal favorite, the Wiki How-Tos.
I'm given two How-Tos every day, and I'm never disappointed. They vary, of course, in their hilarity and their practicality, and while I've never actually done any of the things they're allegedly teaching me HOW to do, some of them seem useful. Have I always wondered how this was done? YES.
The hidden door bookshelf notwithstanding, most of the How-Tos seem excessive to say the least. As a certified life coach for dozens of clients, I can bet that there are some things that I can explain better than the Internet. And yeah, I realize that I'm writing ON the Internet but I don't own a ham radio (YET) so there was no way around that little bit of irony, ass.
* How to tell people you're keeping your maiden name
Easy one: I'm preparing for our inevitable divorce and alleviating myself of some paperwork. Please make sure you buy something ON MY REGISTRY.
* How to lucid dream
Everyone knows these only happen when you're trying to take a nap on a weekend. Or when you've soaked yourself in whiskey.
* How to French Kiss
There is only one way to learn how to do this: by nervously mashing your face against a boy while standing near Minnehaha Creek. Also, by watching Dawson's Creek or Felicity.
* How to sweep and girl off of her feet
Roofies.
Then you know why I will off myself if this ever happens.
If you haven't, then imagine a train filled with people testing their ringtones, shouting into their cell phones, and worst of all, utilizing the walkie-talkie feature on their phone and ignoring the blatant irony that the point of owning a cell phone is really just to make sure you never need to carry a walkie-talkie again.
From our city's only new source.
Pols want MTA cellular serviceby michael rundle / metro new york
AUG 13, 2007MANHATTAN. The Metropolitan Transportation Authority was urged to move forward on introducing cell phone coverage to subways yesterday, with city politicians claiming recent transit chaos should act as a wake-up call.
Wireless coverage could have allowed the MTA to inform riders via text message about delays and other emergencies during last week’s storms, said City Councilman John Liu and U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner at a press conference outside Penn Station. Introducing underground service also increases ridership and improves safety, they added.
“It makes no sense that there is no minimal means of communicating with riders,” Liu, head of the council’s transportation committee, told Metro. “The MTA have bumped it off their agenda.”
Under current proposals, wireless service would be introduced into 277 underground stations, but not tunnels. The MTA began accepting bids for the project in 2006, but delays have slowed progress. NYC Transit President Howard Roberts said recently that a decision would be made in September, but Liu expressed skepticism.
“The real root of this problem is that the MTA does not see communication as a core competency that it must have,” Liu said.
Liu projected the cost of introducing cell phone coverage at around $300 to $500 million — no small amount considering the budget shortfalls and expensive capital projects on the MTA’s plate already — but said improving communications was “not an optional extra.”
Weiner reintroduced a bill in Congress last month that would require cell phone companies to provide access to emergency telephone numbers while customers were underground.
The MTA did not return calls for comment.
I'm in love with everything this summer. Free Music. Water Taxi Beach. Brooklyn Cyclones. Coney Island. Summer fridays. Mystic Tans. Pre-sliced watermelon. McCarren Park Pool. The Wonder Wheel. Nathan's hotdogs. Nathan's giant beers. Sleeping in my own sweat. BBQ at best man's house (or Prospect Park). Hot dogs on our $14.99 grill. Cool breezes at night.
And, maybe most of all, the way he sees me.
