How-To give (and get) useless advice

Like most civilized humans, I have a gmail address. Not to brag, but I had it way back when it was kind of a challenge to get an invite. And by "kind of a challenge" I mean, Dave Gilmore hooked me up, as per usual.

Now, like some civilized human, I have a Google homepage, which is basically just another way of saying that as soon as I get on the Internet, I have a bunch of dumb shit waiting for me. But, wait for it, it's dumb shit that I personally selected. Stuff like my horoscope, the weather in the 11215, the date and time (in case all clocks and calendars are broken and/or missing) and, my personal favorite, the Wiki How-Tos.

I'm given two How-Tos every day, and I'm never disappointed. They vary, of course, in their hilarity and their practicality, and while I've never actually done any of the things they're allegedly teaching me HOW to do, some of them seem useful. Have I always wondered how this was done? YES.

The hidden door bookshelf notwithstanding, most of the How-Tos seem excessive to say the least. As a certified life coach for dozens of clients, I can bet that there are some things that I can explain better than the Internet. And yeah, I realize that I'm writing ON the Internet but I don't own a ham radio (YET) so there was no way around that little bit of irony, ass.

* How to tell people you're keeping your maiden name
Easy one: I'm preparing for our inevitable divorce and alleviating myself of some paperwork. Please make sure you buy something ON MY REGISTRY.

* How to lucid dream
Everyone knows these only happen when you're trying to take a nap on a weekend. Or when you've soaked yourself in whiskey.

* How to French Kiss
There is only one way to learn how to do this: by nervously mashing your face against a boy while standing near Minnehaha Creek. Also, by watching Dawson's Creek or Felicity.

* How to sweep and girl off of her feet
Roofies.