Many things have been going on lately, mostly personal stuff that needs dealing with and then things like house/work related items... but all that just seems like irrelevant fluff with the news my mother just delivered to me: my cousin tried to kill himself.
This hurts me, us, greatly because he was given the most amazing miracle last year - he survived a car crash that left his friend dead and two other people injured. He was in intensive care for weeks after having brain/skull surgery and he came out of it in amazing shape, with almost complete mind/bodily function. Amazing considering it was truly, and scarily, touch-and-go for quite a while.
Not only that, but he and his sister were adopted by my aunt and uncle when they were wee children and I don't think they could ask for better parents. Honestly. They are a great family. They even look genetically similar.
Anyway, I'm not conventionally a religious person but I believe in an omnipotent ever-present force (love? energy?) and I do think some people have a greater reason for being here with us - that they have something to do or show or give. In this case, I think the signs are pointing to him and that he's here for a reason.
I think suicide is selfish and I think I'm somewhat qualified to say something about it as I once took a bunch of pills in a lame attempt to see what would happen - and I didn't much care the outcome -- but thankfully I was conservative with the amount and was able to ride it out and nobody knew. But I was ready to approach death. But once I started towards it, I got scared and I realized that whatever hellish crap I was going through in my life was fine because it was a known hell. I was familiar with it. The unknown, the other side of death, that scared me more. Who's to say it wouldn't be worse? Or maybe just oblivion?
Also, one of my good friends in high school tried to kill herself and ended up in the hospital for a few days. It was more of a call for attention, thankfully, but it really affected us. We kept thinking to ourselves "We should have known, the signs were there, why didn't we do anything to stop this?" But we couldn't have known, truly, what was going on inside her head.
My point in all this is that life is amazing. To take it away is selfish. Yes, life can suck - big time. In horrible terrible ways. But because you are alive, you affect other people. People who love you and share your home with you, people who rely on you to make them better when they feel down, people who share joy and laughter with you, people who depend on you for the many things you provide, people who think you are the greatest thing in the world and open themselves up to you and share their whole crazy wonderful messy life with you and ask little in return. These things might seem small by themselves, but upon examination, these are moments of pure beauty, miraculous that they even occur in this universe.
Have you ever really contemplated a flower or tree? A wee tiny little seed drops in the earth, gets wet from rain, gets warm from sunlight, gets chemicals/nutrients from other dying plants and begins to germinate and sprout. It pokes through the soil, fresh and green, and continues the above processes - relying on rain to fall, sun to shine, food to be supplied and not to be eaten by an animal - until it has grown to full size, perhaps towering many many feet over the forest floor, growing branches and leaves and bark. All the while soaking up that water, drinking in that sunlight, eating up those nutrients... Eventually producing that tiny little seed of its own, containing every little bit of matter needed to create another complete complex plant like itself. How utterly amazing that all these little things combine to make this beautiful, protective, nourishing, life-giving entity.
That is a miracle. A common tree that you pass by every single day and normally give no thought - a true miracle of nature. That blade of grass - same thing. That bird flying overhead - same thing. That storm cloud moving in - same thing. You - same thing. A miracle.
Miracles shouldn't be thrown away, discarded, neglected. They are cherished and loved and we are all grateful for the experiences.
To my cousin: you have a reason, a purpose, something you are uniquely qualified for... and you have to find out what it is. You might not have the faintest clue right now, might not think much of anything about your life, but you know... you know the tiniest bit of truth in the miracle of your life and that is the thing you grab on to and hold like the strings of a parachute, like the chain of an anchor - this thing is what gives you purpose and drive and saves you. You might not yet know why or how, but that's OK. Life is a journey. Go out, explore, be amazed and excited and learn many things, keep looking for your purpose and you will find it. Might be sooner, might be later - doesn't matter. But get there. And then once you do, find out everything about it, make it big, make it strong, make it the best thing ever. And share it. Share the whole of it, even before you know what it is. This is the miracle of life.
Love you, cousin. Love you.