Or rather, how MY brain sometimes works and why I do or don't see certain movies or do certain things in life:

I am very empathetic to characters on the big screen - very much so - and it just gets to be too much for me sometimes. Yes, crashing waves of overwhelming reactions. I can very easily suspend my disbelief when watching movies (or reading or listening to music or sometimes other situations). Sadly, this causes me to judge movies before I've seen them based only on their previews and how emotional/disturbing they might potentially be to me. Sometimes I have actually gotten physically sick from watching a movie ("The Believers" or "Pulp Fiction" or "Steel Magnolias" (don't laugh))... that is how powerful an effect that movies can produce in me (and why I'm also drawn towards them).

I'm not saying I'm a sissy-boy or anything (not that anyone would probably think that) but I know I react more deeply than most people. Now, this is sometimes a really good thing and allows me to transcend the 2D presence of the projected image*, but often times it is quite the opposite. I have suffered from panic attacks/anxiety (and due to this, depression as well) since I was about 12 years old. If you've ever had a panic attack, you have some idea what it is like to inhabit my body -- except that it is a daily thing and a big struggle between me and my fears.

That is really what it is: fear of fear. I don't like the feeling that panic attacks induce (utter fear) so I fear having the fear again. Which is stupid and illogical. I am aware of that. I have gone to months and months and months of therapy and taken many a brand of anti-depressant and/or tranquilizer to help counter-act the situation. Fearing fear leads you to avoidance behaviors (also illogical and stupid) and basically it is easier to not see something that -might- upset me than to sit through it uncomfortably. I know this means I miss a lot of otherwise excellent movies, but it is rather akin to me not eating dairy products. The pain is horrible so it is easier to not eat dairy than suffer the consequences (no matter how damn bad I just want a simple bowl of vanilla ice cream!). I had to go back to "12 Monkeys" twice to see the whole thing. I also had to leave "The Matrix" for a few minutes to calm down. These are two of my favorite movies!

A major drawback to this is that I spend so much time balancing myself and fighting off the panic/fear that I become less effective at focusing on other more important things: creativity, friendships, family. I have at times wondered what I might otherwise have achieved in my life by now would it not be for this little affliction (just out of curiosity, not feeling sorry for myself).

What is really rather interesting is that if I can get through something that produces these effects in me, I go the opposite direction once it is finished and it is a total adrenalin-type of rush -- I am in high-spirits and talkative and energized and feel very alive. But not often enough!

I even thought I would almost be sick the night I went to show MY little movie I made a few weeks ago. Why?! No legitimate reason, but man, was I worked up. My leg wouldn't stop shaking/bouncing around and I had cold sweats and queasy stomach until after my movie was shown. Not just normal "fear of public speaking" nervousness, but rather extreme whacked-out nervousness.

This is about as succinct an explanation as I can give. This is the way it is with me and I am always trying to rise above it but there will be times when I simply choose not to do something and this is usually why.

Thanks for listening.

*When I remarked in conversation the other day that watching the Bjork concert videos was emotional, I wasn't exaggerating in any way. Just watching her sing, her movements, her mouth shape, her expressions -- it puts me on the verge of rapturous tears.